The Last Page: Who’s laughing now?

TWINKLE TOES

Q. And you used to be a dancer. When you say “a dancer,” what do you mean by that?

A. Not a stripper.

Q. That’s not what I meant. In fact, that wasn’t even what I was thinking. I’m wondering whether it was, like, you know, ballet or what.

Elsa Jorgensen, Birmingham, Mich.

YES OR NO

Q. Your attorney and I will try to pay attention, and if you say “Uh-huh” or “huh-uh,” we may go, “You’ve got to say yes or no.” Don’t let that shake you, because I bet you will say “uh-huh” once or twice today.

A. Uh-huh.

Q. Smart aleck.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR, The Colony, Texas

DOES THAT COUNT

Defense attorney: Yes, ma’am, have you served in the military?

Female potential juror: No, I’ve never served in the military, but I’ve done a few military guys.

Lisa B. Johnston, RMR, CRR, CCP, CBC, Palm Bay, Fla.

HE MEANS, ALL RISE

The Court: Do you have him in foster care?

Witness: He actually is in a group home. He needs some counseling. I think his mom passed away right in front of him, and he was in the car with her, and so there are lots of issues that probably have never been addressed at all.

Mr. Smith: That’s all I have.

The Court: Step down. Thanks.

(The witness was excused.)

The Court: Based on the evidence that I’ve read, there’s probable cause to believe that this child is deprived. Temporary custody is with the Department. If the mother applies for an attorney, I’ll consider that.

Mr. Smith: Judge, if she applies for an attorney, we’re going to have a problem.

Barbara Prindle, RPR, Brunswick, Ga.

CALIFORNIA DREAMING

Q. How long did you work there?

A. A year.

Q. It didn’t work out. Okay.

A. I went to California.

Q. Much better idea. What did you do in California in 1967?

A. Nothing.

Q. Like most people in California in 1967.

Elsa Jorgensen, Birmingham, Mich.

LISTEN TO THE ANSWER

Q. You made that check out directly to the insurance company, didn’t you?

A. Yes.

Q. And, of course, you receive your cancelled checks back from your bank every month?

A. No.

Q. Do you receive a photostatic copy of your cancelled checks back every month?

A. No.

Q. Did you save the check?

A. I don’t receive them. So, no, I didn’t save it.

Barbara Prindle, RPR, Brunswick, Ga.

HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?

Q. Is it a jolting type of bump?

A. No, it’s just — it’s not really like a — you hit a pothole or something like that. It’s just — it doesn’t dip you down or anything. It’s just going over it. Just dumt-dumt.

Q. Dunt-dunt?

A. Dumt-dumt. I’m sorry.

Q. That’s all right. I don’t know how she’s going to spell that but —. All right.

The reporter: That’s a new one.

Mr. Smith: Yeah, and I have no suggestion for you.

The reporter: Thanks.

Diana D. Sabo, Tinley Park, Ill.

MARK OF SHAME

Q. By the way, you said you went to Universal Studios — or the Harry Potter World, is that it?

A. Yeah.

Q. Did you buy any souvenirs?

A. Yeah.

Q. What did you get?

A. Don’t judge me.

Q. I won’t.

A. I bought a wand.

Ms. Smith: Oh, my god.

Mr. Miller: I don’t even know what that is so I can’t judge you. A wand?

A. Yeah. You have to. Like, you’re there.

Ms. Smith: You don’t know that magicians have wands, Bill?

Mr. Moran: I am out of the loop on this.

By Mr. Miller:

Q. Okay. So you bought a magic wand at the Harry Potter place?

A. Yeah.

Mr. Jones: Objection, I think that mischaracterizes the testimony that the wand was a “magic” wand.

Michelle M. Paoletti, RPR, CRR, Tinley Park, Ill.

DAMN SOUND-ALIKES

State’s Attorney: The State has exorcismed — I mean exercised their last strike.

The Court: Congratulations to you all, the State has determined you are not possessed.

Jessica Paulsen, Pierre, S.D.

 

If you’d like to contribute, please send your funny transcript excerpts to Austin Yursik at ayursik@ncra.org.