LAST LAUGH: That’s my attorney for ya

That’s sooooooo Portland
Q. What does your wife do for a living?
A. She is a baker.
Q. And where does she work?
A. In Portland.
Q. And who does she work for?
A. Liberated Baking. It’s gluten-free.
Q. I think that’s the only baked products you can sell in Portland now.
A. I know. Or if it has kale in it.
Q. Has your wife always been a baker?
A. No.
Q. Or has she done something else?
A. She’s done other things as well. She’s been a butcher and a baker. We keep joking what’s next.
Juliane Petersen
Beaverton, Ore.

Some days I feel like it
A. Uh huh.
Q. That’s a “yes”?
A. “Yes.” Sorry.
Q. You and I communicate fine. The court reporter needs a little help, especially after she’s been drinking.
Melody Jeffries Peters, RDR, CRR, CRC
Missoula, Mont.

Risks? What risks?
Q. Does that mean that there are costs associated with those risks that also aren’t covered by insurance?
A. You said “those risks.” What risks?
Q. “Those risks” are “these risks” as used in that sentence.
Laurie Collins, RPR
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Take a bath
Q. Just so I have a clean record, Dr. Stockman —
A. Sure.
Q. — can you identify idiopathic for me?
A. Idiopathic means of undetermined cause.
Q. Thank you.
A. Or some people would say because your doctor is an idiot.
Q. Alternatively.
A. Alternatively, yes
Cinnamon Boyle, RPR, CRR
Fate, Texas

A riddle a day
A. There is an infinity of issues on which I didn’t make notes about what didn’t happen.
Q. You mean, didn’t put in your affidavit what didn’t happen?
A. That’s right. I didn’t put in my affidavit that I didn’t make an infinity of, an infinite number of notes on what didn’t happen.
Deborah Elderhorst
Toronto, Ontario

A room with a view
(The defendant had just been told his at formal arraignment he would plead guilty and get out of jail but formal arraignment was two months away.)
THE DEFENDANT: That’s a long time.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I’m going to try to get you in ahead of time.
THE JUDGE: The wheels of justice grind slowly, but they do grind.
THE DEFENDANT: I hope I can get in the kitchen unit.
Karen Noel
Easton, Pa.

Higher power
MR. BOOTH: Fair enough. All right. We have a document we’re going to introduce as our exhibit next in line. God knows what the number is.
THE REPORTER: God does know, and it’s 169.
Leah Nelson
Wyoming, Pa.

In the hot seat
(Talking about a fast and furious email exchange between the witness and his broker.)
Q. And he answered you from the dentist chair; right?
A. I assume he was at the dentist. I wasn’t there with him, unless I was the dentist. At this time I might have pulled out a few teeth.
Robin Nodland, FAPR, RDR, CRR
Portland, Ore.

It’s who you know
MR. SANDERS: Has anyone ever worked with an attorney or have a close friend or family member who was a practicing attorney?
JUROR: Aside from the judge’s family — her father, sisters, uncle, and the lot — a lot of my son’s friends are attorneys. And other friends of mine are attorneys, too. There’s several attorneys I have called friends.
MR. SANDERS: You need better friends.
Liebe Stevenson, RMR
Liberty, Mo.

The power of a subpoena
Q. Is there concern on your part about testifying today, about the possibility that Mr. Plaintiff may retaliate against the raceway?
A. Do I have to answer that?
THE COURT: Well —
A. A loaded question. Do I have to answer it?
THE COURT: Yes.
A. I mean, I’d be a numbskull if it wasn’t of some concern. But I’m not here because I’m afraid. I was subpoenaed.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: You’re not here voluntarily.
A. Correct.
Q. You did not want to testify.
A. No. Why would — why would anybody want to sit in court?
THE COURT: Well, I get paid.
THE WITNESS: I’m not.
Jan Hunnicutt, RPR, CRR
Santa Rosa, Calif.

Fractured memories
The following is an excerpt of colloquy during a deposition where a very contentious attorney was attending telephonically. After repeatedly interrupting and talking over the witness, the other present attorney had to call his name seven times before he finally stopped talking:

MR. SMITH: Joe, you are making it extremely difficult for the court reporter. You are trying to talk over the witness’s testimony. You cannot do that especially when you’re attending by telephone. So, if you would, do not talk over the witness again, please.
MR. JONES: I didn’t realize that was occurring, so I don’t mean — okay.
MR. SMITH: Well, when I start screaming your name, that means you need to stop talking because your witness is still speaking, okay? Now, Joe, ask your question, please.
MR. JONES: Well, after that lecture, I don’t quite remember it.
Angeli English
DIberville, Miss.

Fall fashion questions
Q. Had he lost weight so that his shorts were too big?
A. His shorts were a little loose-fitting.
Q. So if he didn’t hold them up, would they slip down?
A. They weren’t down below his butt, but they were probably below the normal waistline.
Q. Below where a guy like me would wear them, an older guy?
A. Yes.
PLAINTIFF COUNSEL: Objection. Normally you wear yours up under your breasts.
DEFENSE COUNSEL: I’m not quite there yet, but soon.
Lora Appino Barnett, RPR, RMR
Overland Park, Kan.

When antecedents matter
BY MR. SMITH:
Q. And are you still currently married?
A. Yes.
Q. All right. And is that the same marriage from 1970?
A. Yes.
Q. Congratulations.
A. Thank you.
Q. Working on ten myself in a month or two, so…
MS. JONES: Ten marriages?
MR. SMITH: Ten years, not ten marriages. Should have clarified on that one.
Jeni Bartel, RPR, CSR
La Mesa, Calif.

My attorney thinks he’s funny
Q. If I ask a question and the question calls for a yes or no, affirmative or negative response, even though you and I can communicate just fine by nods of the head or shrugs of the shoulders or “uh huh,” the severe — and I do mean severe — limitations of the court reporter prevent us from being able to communicate that way and have it recorded.
She’s my court reporter for 25 years or longer and I always talk about her limitations in depositions.
Doreen Sutton, FAPR, RPR
Scottsdale, Ariz.

Flip or flop?
Q. You’re not going to be able to sell it for loft apartments downtown?
A. Right. The view of the unkempt lot across the street.
MR. DOE: Hipsters will live there anyway.
Elsa Jorgensen
Birmingham, Mich.