The Last Page: Who’s laughing now?

TWINKLE TOES

Q. And you used to be a dancer. When you say “a dancer,” what do you mean by that?

A. Not a stripper.

Q. That’s not what I meant. In fact, that wasn’t even what I was thinking. I’m wondering whether it was, like, you know, ballet or what.

Elsa Jorgensen, Birmingham, Mich.

YES OR NO

Q. Your attorney and I will try to pay attention, and if you say “Uh-huh” or “huh-uh,” we may go, “You’ve got to say yes or no.” Don’t let that shake you, because I bet you will say “uh-huh” once or twice today.

A. Uh-huh.

Q. Smart aleck.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR, The Colony, Texas

DOES THAT COUNT

Defense attorney: Yes, ma’am, have you served in the military?

Female potential juror: No, I’ve never served in the military, but I’ve done a few military guys.

Lisa B. Johnston, RMR, CRR, CCP, CBC, Palm Bay, Fla.

HE MEANS, ALL RISE

The Court: Do you have him in foster care?

Witness: He actually is in a group home. He needs some counseling. I think his mom passed away right in front of him, and he was in the car with her, and so there are lots of issues that probably have never been addressed at all.

Mr. Smith: That’s all I have.

The Court: Step down. Thanks.

(The witness was excused.)

The Court: Based on the evidence that I’ve read, there’s probable cause to believe that this child is deprived. Temporary custody is with the Department. If the mother applies for an attorney, I’ll consider that.

Mr. Smith: Judge, if she applies for an attorney, we’re going to have a problem.

Barbara Prindle, RPR, Brunswick, Ga.

CALIFORNIA DREAMING

Q. How long did you work there?

A. A year.

Q. It didn’t work out. Okay.

A. I went to California.

Q. Much better idea. What did you do in California in 1967?

A. Nothing.

Q. Like most people in California in 1967.

Elsa Jorgensen, Birmingham, Mich.

LISTEN TO THE ANSWER

Q. You made that check out directly to the insurance company, didn’t you?

A. Yes.

Q. And, of course, you receive your cancelled checks back from your bank every month?

A. No.

Q. Do you receive a photostatic copy of your cancelled checks back every month?

A. No.

Q. Did you save the check?

A. I don’t receive them. So, no, I didn’t save it.

Barbara Prindle, RPR, Brunswick, Ga.

HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?

Q. Is it a jolting type of bump?

A. No, it’s just — it’s not really like a — you hit a pothole or something like that. It’s just — it doesn’t dip you down or anything. It’s just going over it. Just dumt-dumt.

Q. Dunt-dunt?

A. Dumt-dumt. I’m sorry.

Q. That’s all right. I don’t know how she’s going to spell that but —. All right.

The reporter: That’s a new one.

Mr. Smith: Yeah, and I have no suggestion for you.

The reporter: Thanks.

Diana D. Sabo, Tinley Park, Ill.

MARK OF SHAME

Q. By the way, you said you went to Universal Studios — or the Harry Potter World, is that it?

A. Yeah.

Q. Did you buy any souvenirs?

A. Yeah.

Q. What did you get?

A. Don’t judge me.

Q. I won’t.

A. I bought a wand.

Ms. Smith: Oh, my god.

Mr. Miller: I don’t even know what that is so I can’t judge you. A wand?

A. Yeah. You have to. Like, you’re there.

Ms. Smith: You don’t know that magicians have wands, Bill?

Mr. Moran: I am out of the loop on this.

By Mr. Miller:

Q. Okay. So you bought a magic wand at the Harry Potter place?

A. Yeah.

Mr. Jones: Objection, I think that mischaracterizes the testimony that the wand was a “magic” wand.

Michelle M. Paoletti, RPR, CRR, Tinley Park, Ill.

DAMN SOUND-ALIKES

State’s Attorney: The State has exorcismed — I mean exercised their last strike.

The Court: Congratulations to you all, the State has determined you are not possessed.

Jessica Paulsen, Pierre, S.D.

 

If you’d like to contribute, please send your funny transcript excerpts to Austin Yursik at ayursik@ncra.org.

The last page: Oh the drama!

THE FORGOTTEN HOBBY

Q. And what are your hobbies aside from riding and shooting?

A. That’s really it. Guns, motorcycles. That’s really it. Hanging out with my friends, going out with my friends.

Q. And now you’ve got your wife?

A. I’ve got my wife, yes. I have to include her, make sure she’s in there.

MR. MILLER: That’s a hobby.

Alan Turboff, RPR, Houston, Texas

NO STANDARDS

Q. Do you know what the standard of care is in Missouri?

A. I have no definition of the standard of care in Missouri.

Mr. Jones: I object to the form of the question. It’s argumentative. There is no standard in Missouri.

Barbara Prindle, RPR, Brunswick, Ga.

QUESTIONS YOU DON’T ASK

Q. You’re not 160 now.

A. I’m like 150-something.

Q. You are?

A. Yes. I know. I’m glad you think it’s hard to believe.

Elsa Jorgensen, Birmingham, Mich.

WISDOM OF EXPERIENCE

Q. How many employees do you currently have?

A. One.

Q. You?

A. Just me. I can’t call my wife an employee because I’ll get killed, but she assists me at times.

Q. You’ve already demonstrated wisdom to me this morning.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR, The Colony, Texas

WHICH CAME FIRST?

MR. JONES: I understand that, your Honor. I just think, with all due respect to the Court, I think the Court is putting the egg before the hen. You have to get, with regard to Dr. Green’s affirmation in the motion, you have to get, with regard to his dispute of Dr. Smith’s testimony, from absorption to metabolism. Then you have to get to the effect. And the point is he doesn’t have the egg.

THE COURT: I don’t know what you’re referring to. You’ve lost me in the —

MR. JONES: I’m sorry, your Honor. It’s —

THE COURT: In the metaphor here.

MR. JONES: I get a little too cute for myself.

THE COURT: You know, who is the hen again?

MR. JONES: In other words —

THE WITNESS: I had eggs for breakfast.

MR. JONES: I get a little too cute for myself, I’ll admit that.

Aaron Alweis, RPR, CRR, Binghamton, N.Y.

DARN SOUNDALIKES

Q. You have to answer audibly. I’m sorry.

A. I have to answer oddly?

Q. Audibly.

A. Oh, audibly?

Q. I hope you don’t answer oddly.

Laurie Collins, RPR, Brooklyn, N.Y.

INAUSPICIOUS ENDINGS

Q. About how long were you married in ‘71?

A. I guess about two and a half years.

Q. And how did that marriage end?

A. Roughly.

Barbara Prindle, RPR, Brunswick, Ga.

QUIT CLOWNING AROUND

Q. Do you know how far back you were from the car when you were stopped?

A. No, sir. Just the normal, you know, being in line.

Q. But you never talked to her after the accident?

A. I did, yes.

Q. Okay.

A. Seemed like she was a clown or something.

Q. Was she dressed like a clown?

A. No. That was her business. Seemed like she gave me her card.

Q. She didn’t have like 50 people in her car?

A. No.

Barbara Rosado, RPR, Phoenix, Ariz.

JUST MAKING SURE

Q. Do you remember what date that fall was?

A. October 25, at 8 p.m.

Q. And what year?

A. 2010.

Q. 8 p.m. in the morning or 8 p.m. at night?

A. Night.

Q. Of course. 8 p.m. That was a great question.

Debra A. Dibble, RDR, CRR, CBC, CCP, Salt Lake City, Nev.

CRAZY QUESTIONS

Q. Do you agree that Mr. X said to you the words that he says of himself; in other words, you say you don’t agree that you said what he says you replied, but you accept that he asked you the questions?

A. Sorry, your Honor?

Colleen Stacey, New South Wales, Australia

 

If you’d like to contribute, please send your funny transcript excerpts to Austin Yursik at ayursik@ncra.org.