The last page: When time isn’t money

It’s all relative

Q. So Shenika — your mother is sisters with Shenika’s mother?
A. No, sir.
Q. Your mother is brothers with Shenika’s dad.
A. No, sir.
Q. You tell me what the connection is.
A. My dad’s sister is Shenika’s mom.
Q. I totally missed it. So your dad is brothers with Shenika’s dad.
A. Mom.
Q. All right. I’ll get it right in a minute.
Sherry Ruschell, RMR, CRR
Canton, Ga.

Timing is everything
Q. Were you present when she passed away?
A. It was questionable.
Q. What do you mean by that?
A. I don’t know.
Q. Do you have an understanding that you were present when she passed away?
A. I honestly don’t know.
Q. Do you understand that at some particular point she passed away?
A. Yes. Oh, yes.
Q. At the time that she is said to have passed away, were you with her?
A. I don’t know if she was passed away when I was with her or not. I’m being totally honest with you. It’s not clear.
Q. Did you think you were with her before she passed away or after she passed away?
A. I guess when she passed away.
Q. I wasn’t trying to ask a trick question. I understand that you don’t know if she passed away when you were there, but when you were in the room, did you have an understanding when you walked in that she was alive, or did you have an understanding that she had already passed away?
A. That she had already passed away.
Carol Jackson Schillberg, RPR
Stoughton, Mass.

A matter of perspective
Q. Are you married?
A. Nope.
Q. Ever?
A. Yup.
Q. How many times?
A. Once.
Q. How did that marriage end?
A. Good.
Q. How did it end?
A. Good.
Q. It ended good?
A. Yeah.
Q. Okay. Did it end in divorce?
A. It ended in divorce. That doesn’t mean it was bad.
Q. Okay. I didn’t say it did.
A. Well, you said it ended good like you was presuming it was bad.
Q. Well, I’ve asked that question probably for 13 years and I’ve never got “good” for an answer, so that’s —
A. It’s good. Good. Parted as friends, like we are today.
Q. Fantastic.
Michele L. Fontaine, RPR
Leicester, Mass.
How advertising works
A. Safeway is primarily a grocery store.
Q. How about Chick-fil-A? What does Chick-fil-A do?
A. They encourage everybody to eat more chicken.
Q. That’s right, the cows do.
A. They pay the cows.
Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas
We’ll never be royals
Q. Can you please read Mr. Smith’s e-mail to you, sir, dated November 4, 2011?
A. “Dear Mr. Wellington.”
Q. That’s a distinguished name.
A. But he didn’t put “Duke” in front of it.
Elizabeth A. Tubbert, RPR
Southfield, Mich.
What it is
Mr. Smith: It’s not contrary.
Ms. Jones: It is.
Mr. Smith: It’s not.
Ms. Jones: Very much.
Mr. Smith: It’s not.
Ms. Jones: It is.
Mr. Smith: Okay.
Ms. Jones: It is very much so.
Denyce Sanders, RMR, CRR
Houston, Texas
Once and done
A labor and delivery nurse who is also a flight nurse was deposed.
A. Our missions were usually within the state of New Mexico, and if they’re within 150 miles, that was a rotor transport, or a rotor mission. Beyond 150 miles is usually fixed-wing, depending on the sending hospital and what their facilities look like. You can land that helicopter on that road or on the dirt, but you can’t land that fixed-wing in the dirt. I mean, you can land it once in the dirt, but then you can’t use it again, so…
Mary Seal, RDR, CRR
Albuquerque, N.M.
Everyone is awesome
Q. Well, what did he tell you about me?
A. You’re awesome.
Q. Well, I doubt that he said that. My wife doesn’t even say that.
MR. SMITH: Just for the record, John is blushing now —
MR. JONES: It’s a rare occasion.
MR. SMITH: — and I might be too.
Chelsey A. Horak
Omaha, Neb.

THE LAST PAGE: All in a day’s work

Attention!

(After swearing the witness)

THE WITNESS: Did I just get married?

SMITH: No, but you swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas                       

Can you hear me?

(After an entire morning spent repeating questions two or three times……..)

ATTORNEY: Mr. Smith, would it help to put new batteries in your hearing aids?

WITNESS: I can’t hear you.

THE COURT: Yes! The answer is yes!

(Upon which, one of the attorneys loaned the witness the batteries out of his hearing aids.)

Lori Hargens, RPR
Des Moines, Iowa

 

The coming apocalypse

A. Some people keep gold coins because they’re afraid the zombies are coming.

JONES: They are coming.

BY MR. RUIZ:

Q. They are definitely coming. It’s just when.

A. Right. It’s when.

Nancy Toner, RPR
Exton, Pa.

Translation, please

Q. So I guess this is only an issue if you want to exercise your right to read and sign, but if you want to, I’m just trying to figure out how we could get to you.

A. I’ll just sign it now. It’s all true.

Q. So that would be super cool, but unfortunately, she has to ‑‑ it’s kind of like shorthand gobbledygook. Not gobbledygook, it’s an excellent transcript, but it’s not ready for you to review. You wouldn’t be able to understand some of it, it wouldn’t be like English.

Doreen Sutton, RPR
Scottsdale, Ariz. 

In the deepest part of the brain

Q. You’re married; correct?

A. Yes.

Q. When did you get married?

A. My wife would hate me.

Q. You can do it.

Elsa Jorgensen
Birmingham, Mich.

Whenever you call me …

BY MR. WILSON:
Q. And by the way, Mr. Smith, if you need a break at any time, let me know.
A. Cool.
MS. JONES: Same with you.
MR. WILSON: Well, thank you. Likewise, everyone. We can sing Kumbaya.
MS. JONES: We should. It goes a long way, let me tell you.

Laurie ​Collins​, RPR
Brooklyn, N.Y.

In spirit

Q. Okay. Any other members of his family there?

A. Two of his sisters.
Q. Okay. What were his sisters’ names?
A. Jane Doe, but she’s deceased at the moment, and Janet Doe.

Renee M. Bencich, RPR
Galt, Calif.

Get away from it all

Q. And then what brought you to this part of the country?

A. It’s an opportunity — I saw an advertisement for an opportunity here, and I was working in a crazy hospital in Far Rockaway and it was just insane.
Q. I’m a Long Island boy. Far Rockaway?
A. Peninsula General Hospital, and it was too much trauma for my taste there.
THE REPORTER: Did you say drama or trauma?
THE WITNESS: Trauma. Both trauma and drama. My last day one of our nurses was kidnapped from the parking lot.
MS. SMITH: That sounds like an episode from Grey’s Anatomy.
BY MR. JONES:
Q. Just, for the record, you had nothing to do with that?
A. I had nothing to do with it.

Donna L. Linton, RMR
Ashburn, Va.

How to spot a liar

A.Your Honor, my name is John Doe. I’m an attorney licensed in the state of Texas, having been licensed since 1978, I believe, which I know is hard for you to believe considering how youthful I look.

THE COURT: Remember, you’re under oath.

A. (BY MR. DOE) Since I’m under oath, I’ll retract that last comment.

Renee Rape, RPR
Angleton, Texas

Watch your acronyms

Q. Why was he contacting you? Sean, that is.

A. She.  Because I was probably the one who brought in the business opportunity, the — this collaborative meeting.
Q. That’s all he did is he asked you —
A. She.
Q. Oh, Sean is a she?
A. Sean is a she.
Q. My apologies. She’s asking your opinion whether or not to send you an f/u e-mail or phone call?
A. That’s “follow up.”
Q. “Follow up.” Okay.
THE WITNESS: Just want to be very clear about that.
MR. JONES: That may be subject to dispute.
Q. But that was the only involvement you had in this?
A. Yes.
THE WITNESS: I wanted to make that clear.
MR. JONES: Thank you for clarifying. Just goes to show you where my mind is.
THE WITNESS: It’s Friday at 6.

Helga Christiane Lavan, RPR
Hicksville, N.Y.

Can you hear me now?

THE COURT: Ok, next question please.

BY MR. ATTORNEY:

Q. Can you hear me, sir? Can you hear me, Mr. Smith? Can you hear us, Mr. Smith? Is your phone muted? Well, that wouldn’t help him hearing us, though. Your phone is on mute, maybe?

THE COURT: If he can’t hear us, asking that question is not going —

Q. ATTORNEY: I was hoping.

Laurie Miller
Los Angeles, Calif.

 What attorneys think we do

Q. Has Mr. Campbell ever been dishonest with —

A. No.

Q. Has Mr. Campbell ever submitted a false invoice or submitted a request for reimbursement for —

A. He has —

SMITH: Excuse me, one of the things I need you to do is wait until the question is over before you answer, because the court reporter cannot take down your answer and her question at the same time.

A. I’m sorry.

SMITH: Don’t be sorry. I just wanted you to understand. Wait until the question is over before you answer.

A. Okay.

JONES: Tammy’s good. She can take down what three people are saying at one time with one hand tied behind her back and standing on her head. Right, Tammy?

Tammy McGhee, RMR
Bellville, Ohio
 

Submissions for the last page can be emailed to JCR Editor Jacqueline Schmidt at jschmidt@ncra.org.

 

The last page: What you don’t know

Unlicensed

Q. Who was conducting hypnosis?

A. I was.

Q. Are you licensed to do hypnosis?

A. There’s no such license.

Q. How do you go into the hypnosis business?

A. I could tell you, but you would have to look directly into my eyes.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR

The Colony, Texas

 

Fast learner

Q. Have you ever had any other — let me start over. If I say the words “strike that,” it’s a dumb pair of words that lawyers get used to because when we’re in trial, we make a mistake, we want the record to be removed of that portion. And I apologize for using it because it’s not — it’s not really a common phrase. If I say it, what I mean is “don’t answer that.” Let me start all over again. Does that make sense?

A. Yes.

Q. Other than the October 2008 injury, have you ever sustained any injury at home, at school, doing anything, that required more than first-aid treatment?

A. No.

Q. For example —

A. Oh, strike that.

MS. BOSQUEZ-FLORES: You learn fast.

MR. MILLER: That was good.

THE WITNESS: When I was a child, around eight or nine, I broke my arm.

Ron Laing, RPR

Fresno, Calif.

 

Choices, choices

Q. What other weapons do you have?

A. .22 Marlin rifle.

Q. When was that purchased?

A. It wasn’t.

Q. Gifted to you?

A. No.

Q. Stolen?

A. No.

MR. ATTORNEY: He just slipped that right in there on you.

Nancy Toner, RPR

Exton, Pa.

 

The fall of the American empire

This was from the testimony of a 77-year-old Greek woman.

Q. For any reason, do you take Valium or a generic of that pill?

A. No generic or nothing. I don’t take Valium.

Q. All right.

A. I don’t believe in that.

Q. Okay.

A. That’s why the American is going to hell.

Q. So no Valium?

A. No shit.

Maureen Doty

Anaheim, Calif.

 

Compliments will get you everywhere

MR. JONES: Form, foundation. I don’t know what you’re asking.

MR. GREEN: You don’t need to. He does.

MR. JONES: Well, wait. I’m not a potted plant here. You have to pose an appropriate —

MR. GREEN: I wasn’t suggesting you were. If you were, you’re a potted plant with a very nice-looking tie.

MR. JONES: Well, thank you.

Elsa Jorgensen

Birmingham, Mich.
A growing vocabulary

Q. Okay. And the investigation of drugs — just want to get this right — was based upon somebody else having had a tooter? Is that correct?

THE COURT: What did you say? A tooter?

DEFENSE ATTY: Yes.

THE COURT: Somebody was helping them with their (inaudible)…

DEFENSE ATTY: A pen tooter, your — well, the officer can testify.

THE COURT: Yeah, I don’t know what a tooter —

DEFENSE ATTY: What is a pen tooter?

A. It —

THE COURT: The only tooter I know is my wife. Okay.

THE WITNESS: It’s, uh, drug slang for a tube that they use to smoke pills or —

THE COURT: Okay.

THE WITNESS: — snort pills or anything else.

THE COURT: Learn somethin’ new every day.

Keri Veare, RPR, CPE

Hayden, Idaho

 

Calling long distance

Q. Do you have anybody who will testify to that on behalf of ABC?

A. Yes.

Q. Who would that be?

A. Tom Smith —

Q. You had discussions with him about that?

A. — and David Jones.

MR. BLACK: Is Tom Smith alive?

THE WITNESS: No. Tom died. Thank you. Yeah, it’d be hard to get Tom to testify.

MR. BROWN: We could try to call him, I guess.
Chelsey Horak
Omaha, Neb.

 

Time capsule

I had a 90-year-old witness who was remembering details from events that occurred before I was born! Below is the last Q/A on the record with her.

Q. And I learned this lesson a long time ago, that you never ask a woman about her age, but I am going to ask you for the record. How old are you, ma’am?

A. How old am I?

Q. Yes.

A. Ninety.

Q. Ninety years old, okay. So you were born in 1924?

A. Right.

Q. Okay. And are you presently under a doctor’s care for dementia, Alzheimer’s, or any other mental disease?

A. No. My marbles are not rolling yet.

Q. That’s a fair answer, ma’am.

Lisa M. Schwarze, RPR

Lexington, Ky.

 

Ask the obvious

Q. And why did you start taking the blood pressure medication?

A. For high blood pressure.

Denyce Sanders, RPR, CRR

Houston, Texas

The last page: What’s the word?

The Dude

Q. Okay. Let me go ahead and do something with you I do with a lot of folks who make estimates like that. I’m going to time out 10 seconds on my watch. And you can tell me if you think that’s a good estimate or if it’s a lot more than that or whatever.

A. I might tell you now: I have no idea how long that was. Okay?

Q. Okay. And the reason I ask is this —

A. This thing you’re doing here is —

Q. Well, it’s more important than you think, apparently.

A. It’s not very scientific, dude.

*****

Q. Have you ever run a marathon?

A. Yeah, quite a few.

Q. Have you done Houston?

A. Yeah. My best time was in Houston.

Q. What was that?

A. 2:59, dude.

Alan Turboff, RPR

Houston, Texas

 

People to know

Q. You say in the email to Mr. Smith, “I have erased this from my hard drive. With the help of Mr. Daniels, I will erase it from my personal hard drive.” Right?

A. That’s what I wrote.

Q. Who is Mr. Daniels?

A. He’s a man from Tennessee who makes Tennessee whiskey.

Q. Other than Jack, do you know any other Mr. Daniels?

A. He is the only Mr. Daniels I know.

Q. In this email, I want to be clear that Mr. Daniels is Jack Daniels; correct?

A. It is.

Q. And that your personal hard drive resides in the space above your neck?

A. It does.

Q. When you say, “I’ve erased this from my hard drive,” do you recall what you were talking about?

A. I don’t recall what I was talking about, and I think that might have to do with Mr. Daniels.

MR. JONES: For the record, I would like to note that this email was sent at 3:37 p.m., Tuesday afternoon.

Camille Macomber, RPR

Walpole, Mass.

 

Will they ever learn?

Q. Make sure that I finish my question before you start giving your answer so that it makes it easy on our court reporter. Make sure you give an audible answer instead of nodding your head or shaking your head —

A. Okay.

Q. — from side to side, all right?

A. (Nods head affirmatively.)

Marcia Arberman, RPR

Lilburn, Ga.

 

One way to make a door

Q. Okay. Number four you said was installed in the winter of 2004. Can you describe that door for me?

A. It’s a six-foot wide door. It’s two swinging doors.

Q. Okay. What did they have to do, cut a hole in the building and put it in or what?

A. I hit a patch of ice with the snowplow and made a hole; I drove my tractor through it.

Merissa Racine, RDR

Cheyenne, Wyo.

 

What can be said

Q. Tell me what was said between you.

A. I just asked him how he was, and he said he was doing okay, and, you know, I was kind of, you know, kind of relieved, you know, that he’s alive and — and that he — you know, just thankful that he was alive. I just — you know, I was praising God the whole time.

Q. And he was able to speak with you, correct?

A. Uh-huh.

Dana Mann-Chipkin

Yuma, Ariz.

 

Before my time

Q. And I gather, from your testimony, you signed the agreements at the warehouse?

MR. SMITH: Objection. Compound.

MR. JONES: Okay.

MR. SMITH: I objected a little early.

MR. JONES: Premature objection, Your Honor.

MR. SMITH: Exactly.

THE COURT: Well, we don’t want that, do we?

MR. JONES: Not if I can help it.

Dianne Coughlin, RDR, CRR, CMRS

Sacramento, Calif.

 

No introduction needed

MR. SMITH: We’re here on a notice of deposition, which is dated Feb. 20, 2014, and the deposition is occurring at the offices of Peter E. Quinny, who is counsel to Ms. Lord, and the only other individual present aside from Ms. Lord and Mr. Quinny is myself.

Donna L. Linton, RMR

Ashburn, Va.

 

Wedded bliss

A. Because I was cleaning. Because we were going to celebrate our wedding anniversary. Some friends were coming to the house, and I was cleaning; that why I don’t forget it.

Q. So you were having friends over to celebrate your wedding anniversary?

A. Yes.

Q. Is that something that you always do?

A. Almost always. It’s been 35 years —

Q. Congratulations.

A. — carrying this cross.

Lisa Selby-Brood, RPR

St. Petersburg, Fla.

 

Location unknown

Q. This person, Mary, do you remember her last name?

A. I don’t right offhand.

Q. Does she still work there?

A. No, she’s dead now.

Q. That would be absolutely no.

Christine Phipps, RPR

West Palm Beach, Fla.

 

The small print

Q. The $5 million check, who was that made payable to?

A. It was made payable to the clients and ABC Law Firm.

Q. So they literally typed 22 names plus ABC Law Firm on there?

A. Yes.

Q. Did it look like one of those Wheel of Fortune checks?

A. No. They’re used to it. They didn’t have any problem with it.

Elsa Jorgensen

Birmingham, Mich.

 

If you’d like to contribute, please send your funny transcript excerpts to JCR Editor Jacqueline Schmidt at jschmidt@ncra.org.

 

The last page: What the witness says

WHO’S TO BLAME?

Q. How has it changed?

A. Well, you could do that at one time, and then along comes the Internet, and the whole world can buy off the Internet. I used to go five, six days a week going all over the country, to Wyoming, to – I’ve been to New York to buy cars – all over. And the Internet comes along, and all the customers I was selling to go on the Inter­net, unlicensed, unbonded, and all that

stuff, and they got a business card that tells them, in Guatemala, they can buy cars.

Q. We have Al Gore to thank for that, right?

MR. SMITH: Especially Al Gore.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas
 

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE

Q. Have you gone by any other names?

A. Yes.

Q. What are those?

A. I haven’t gone by names, but other people have referred to me as other names.

Q. Nicknames?

A. Yes.

Q. What are some of your nicknames?

A. Well, a friend of mine calls me Road Kill.

Q. Okay.

A. He said he has seen road kill that looked better than me.

MR. SMITH: And that’s your friend, right?

THE WITNESS: My good friend, right.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas
 

GULP

Q. Were you in the Harris County jail waiting to go to trial?

A. I was in Harris County jail, yeah, the whole time.

Q. Did you have to do any additional time?

A. No, sir.

Q. Okay. And you said tampering with evi­dence. What was it that they accused you of tampering with?

A. I had some marijuana, and I ate it.

Alan Turboff, RPR
Houston, Texas
 

NO QUESTION ABOUT IT

THE COURT: Mr. Rhodes, do you have any final questions before we move on to the next case?

THE DEFENDANT: Yeah. I just want to say for the record that your court reporter is a fox.

THE COURT: Mr. Rhodes, that is not a question.

THE DEFENDANT: Yeah. There’s no question about it. She’s a fox.

THE COURT: Mr. Rhodes, you have three kids and no job. Trust me, you can’t afford her.

Nichole Thut, RPR
Sacramento, Calif.
 

DON’T GO BREAKING HIS HEART

Q. Okay. Would you say that the research indicates whether or not — and your experience with young children indicates whether or not — a child of the age about three, three and a half, is capable of out­right lying like you could see in an adult?

A. I don’t think three-year-olds, they don’t outright lie. I mean, if they do, they do it poorly. You know, who took the cookie, and it’s like the monster did it. I mean, they don’t — they are not sophisticated liars at all.

Q. Okay. What about the capability of distin­guishing truth from fantasy; reality of what occurred from something they saw on TV?

A. Well, this is when kids start to believe — you know, they believe in Santa Claus and things that aren’t real, but —

THE COURT: What?

THE WITNESS: Sorry, Your Honor. I’m sorry to break your heart.

MS. ANDREWS: Do you need a recess, Judge?

THE COURT: The Court’s in recess.

(Laughter.)

Vicki Hartmetz, RPR, CMRS, CLVS, CRI
Centennial, Colo.
 

AM I HERE?

Q. Now, go to Exhibit V.

A. (The witness complies.)

Q. Tell me when you’re at that exhibit.

Are you there?

A. Am I —

Q. At Exhibit V, is it opened in the book in front of you?

A. Yes. Am I here?

Q. Yes. Are you — Frank. These are simple questions. They’re not confusing.

A. Okay.

Q. Do you have the book open to Exhibit V?

A. Yes. Whoops.

Melissa Odens, RPR
Armour, S.D.
 

LOST IN TRANSLATION

Q. What did you do for the company in 1998?

A. I started as a butter man (phonetic), and then I put the barricades and check every­thing, all the barricades.

THE REPORTER: Started as a what?

THE INTERPRETER: Barricades.

A. The — those barricades that put you —separate one place or another.

MS. JONES: But you said something. He started out as a…

THE REPORTER: “Butter man”? That’s what —

THE INTERPRETER: “Butter man” is what he said.

MR. WITNESS: Bottom man. I’m working —

THE REPORTER: “Bottom”?

MR. WITNESS: — my union as a water man —

THE INTERPRETER: A water man.

MR. WITNESS: — sewer.

THE INTERPRETER: Water man.

MS. JONES: In Spanish. (Mr. Ross speaking in Spanish with the witness.)

THE INTERPRETER: He put the – the – the – all the pipes of water.

MR. ROSS: “Bottom”? Bottom man.

MR. WITNESS: Bottom man.

MR. ROSS: Not “butter,” but “bottom.”

THE INTERPRETER: Bottom man.

MR. ROSS: B-o-t-t-o-m.

THE INTERPRETER: Yeah.

MS. SMITH: I can’t wait to see this transcript.

MS. JONES: We’re testing your skills.

MS. SMITH: That’s right. I’m sorry they don’t have that section in the Texas Bar Journal for funny deposition transcripts.

Melanie Smith
Longview, Texas
 

REALITY TV

Q. Do you understand that this deposition today and your testimony is just the same as if you were sitting in a court of law in front of the judge?

A. I assume so, yeah. Never been to court either, so…

Q. All right. I’m sure in today’s world with all the court stuff on TV, you’ve seen some liveaction court proceedings, haven’t you?

A. Judge Judy.

Q. Well, I guess that’s still real.

Doreen Sutton, RPR
Scottsdale, Ariz.

The last page

TRUTH OR DARE

Q. You can do that at trial. This is a deposi­tion. I just want the facts. I want to under­stand this. That’s all I’m trying to do here.

A. I wish you were under oath, that you were just asking for the facts, because your nose would be growing.

Q. Like Pinocchio?

A. Exactly.

Q. Well, a good thing I’m not under oath, then.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas
 

THAT EXPLAINS IT

Q. Let me just ask you this, ma’am. Had your husband been drinking or doing any drugs or anything like that before the accident?

A. No. We are Christians. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke. We don’t do anything.

Alan Turboff, RPR
Houston, Texas
 

NO STANDARD

Q. Do you know what the standard of care is in Missouri?

A. I have no definition of the standard of care in Missouri.

MR. JONES: I object to the form of the question. It’s argumentative. There is no standard in Missouri.

Barbara Prindle, RPR
Brunswick, Ga.
 

UNKNOWN

A. He told me that the defendant showed up at his apartment a week ago with an unknown man.

Q. Did you ask him the identity of the unknown male?

A. Unknown.

Q. He did not know who the male was?

A. Unknown.

Q. So that means he did not know?

A. That’s correct. Unknown male.

Q. I just had to clarify that.

Linda Breech, RPR
Santa Clarita, Calif.
 

SAY AGAIN?

It would all be determined at the time and what the circumstances were, what the weather was, you know, what the condi­tions were. I mean, it wouldn’t seem too logical to me to go take somebody back outside after they just fell down to the area where they just fell down to see where they just fell down to see because they just might fall down again.

Denise Thomas, RPR, CRR
Salt Lake City, Utah
 

WHAT I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN

THE COURT: All right. What month — since my last name starts with A I know I always have to get my plates in January, but what month is L? When do you?

THE DEFENDANT: June.

THE COURT: June? What’s the law? Do you have until the end of June?

MR. PARK: Pardon me?

THE COURT: Do you have until the end of June?

MR. PARK: Yeah, I believe so.

THE COURT: This was a June 4 ticket?

THE DEFENDANT: July 4.

THE COURT: He says on or before — on or about 6/4.

THE DEFENDANT: Oh. Well then not guilty.

(Laughter.)

THE COURT: Well, let me look at this police re­port (indicating). His police report says July 4, but he wrote his ticket for June 4, so.

THE DEFENDANT: So?

THE COURT: It’s, you know, the State can move to amend the ticket to reflect the appropri­ate date.

THE DEFENDANT: Yeah, I’m not denying it.

THE COURT: Yeah.

THE DEFENDANT: That was just a joke.

THE COURT: All right.

Melissa Odens, RPR
Armour, S.D.
 

TEETH OR NO TEETH?

MR. JONES: Your Honor, I’m sorry. I can’t hear a word here. It’s just mumbling.

THE WITNESS: Can you hear me now?

MR. JONES: Your volume is fine. It’s just your words are running together. Maybe it’s just me.

THE WITNESS: Do you need me to take my teeth out?

MR. THOMAS: I don’t know if that would help.

THE WITNESS: It would.

MR. PETRANO: I don’t – I’m not going to ask that, Your Honor.

Karen Ambroziak, RPR
Blythewood, S.C.
 

WATCH WHO YOU’RE CALLING BABE

Q. Well, my wife is a lot smarter than I am. She’s got a Ph.D. in math, Ph.D. in statistics. If I have a statistics question, I lean over and say, “Hey, Babe, you know, can you help me out?” I’m slow; I’m just a lawyer. She tells me that when you’re doing an analysis to try and determine something’s been impacted, in order for to it to be statistically relevant, you have to compare it to some sort of baseline. Is she leading me astray, my wife?

MR. SMITH: Objection, form.

A. I’m quite confident your wife would never lead you astray. I’m sitting here wondering how she reacts when you say, “Hey, babe.”

Q. She reacts positive.

A. When you say, “Hey, babe”?

Q. When I say, “Hey, babe” to somebody else, that may be another story. I’m very careful about that.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas
 

DETAILS, DETAILS

Q. From the time that you felt the bump until the time that you looked, did that happen almost instantaneously?

A. Yes.

Q. And this bump you described is something that alerted your attention to you looking 360 degrees to try to see where the bump came from?

A. Yes.

Q. All right. But we know you did not see a car after you felt the bump; correct?

A. Correct.

Q. All right. So you make a right-hand turn onto Main Street and pull over?

A. Yes.

Q. Can you describe the damage for me, please?

A. The front fender was damaged, cracked. The headlight assembly was shoved in or pulled in. The front passenger’s side bumper was shoved in between the tire and the frame.

Q. Okay. Anything else that you remember?

A. And there was a bumper in between the fender and the tire.

Q. A bumper that was not yours?

A. Yes.

Leanne Fitzgerald
St. Augustine, Fla.

The Last Page: Nothing to laugh at

KEEP IT UP

Q. And when you say “we renewed the contact,” you still ride bikes with Mr. Jones but can’t keep up with him as far as exercising?

A. Yes.

Q. OK. These bike rides —

MR. BROWN: I think he objects to that.

Elsa Jorgensen
Birmingham, Mich.

WATCH YOUR WORDS

Q. Doctor, wouldn’t you agree with me that only an idiot would walk into a doctor’s office and, after being told that there was a videotape that the doctor had reviewed, that that person would then put on, as you described it, such a show? Wouldn’t only an idiot do that?

A. Well, you make a very good point about your client, sir.

Dana L. Young, RMR
Tulsa, Okla.

WHAT A LINE!

Q. Okay. Why don’t you describe for me, sir, what you recall from the moment you put your feet in that pail of water.

A. She got out a tool of which I have — my lawyer and I have a copy of, which I was familiar with, and she then started using this particular tool to work on the bottom of my feet. As I sat in the chair and watched her for a moment, I noticed the customer right next to me, Lakita, which was a very attractive, middle-aged black woman, which caught my eye immediately. I then started a conversation, at which time both my pedicurist and Lakita’s pedicurist were, I would imagine, thrilled at what they was hearing me say to Lakita, and I had all three women smiling and happy over what I was saying. That’s it.

Q. Do you have any specific recollection as you sit here today of anything that you had said that you regarded at the time as particularly thrilling for these folks?

A. Yeah. I have certain lines that I use on women that I meet that I like and one of them is to snap your fingers, and when I ask a woman will she snap her fingers, naturally, she gets curious and asks me, “Why do you want me to snap my fingers?” And I then reply, “So you can snap me out of this trance you’ve got me in.” And that, you know, brings about a certain response from an individual woman, along with a couple of other lines that I’ve been using for years that always have the same effect on a woman.

Mary Lorentz, RPR
Milwaukee, Wis.

THAT’S LOGIC FOR YOU

Q. I don’t find it there now. I’ve misplaced my copy of it. Here it is. It’s always the last place you look for it. You know why?

A. Why is that?

Q. Because when you find it, you quit looking.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas

JUST CAN’T QUIT

Q. Do you have a Facebook page?

A. I actually deleted it.

Q. Is that possible?

A. Yes.

Q. It’s like quitting the gym.

Renee M. Bencich, RPR
Galt, Calif.

EARTH-SHATTERING PAIN

Q. All right. Within the first 30 days after the accident, how would you describe the pain in your neck as far as the intensity of the pain? If we were to use a zero to 10 scale where zero is no pain and 10 is the worst you can imagine, what was your neck pain like in the first 30 days?

A. It was at a 10 on the Richter scale.

Alan Turboff, RPR
Houston, Texas

YOU DON’T SAY?

Q. So you don’t remember, but you don’t deny that you could have said that?

A. I can’t say I’m saying I said it and I can’t say I’m not saying I didn’t say it.

Donna S. Cascio, RMR, CMRS
Somerset, Pa.

DEFINITION, PLEASE

Q. How close were you to Mr. Glesner?

A. He is a brother-in-law.

Q. Forgive me. Geographically, in feet?

A. Oh.

Santo “Joe” Aurelio, RDR
Arlington, Mass.

OH, THE IMPLICATIONS

MS. JONES: My investigator introduced himself, and halfway through his sentence, the witness went off on a crazy tirade about how he was a civil servant, he has the right not to be shot, not to be shoved, he has certain inalienable rights. He sounded like a lawyer when he was talking. It was crazy. He went crazy, literally.

THE COURT: He’s crazy because he sounds like a lawyer? Is that what you said?

Kimberly Bennett, RMR, CRR
Roseville, Calif.

STATING THE OBVIOUS

Q. Let me ask you a few things about your family life if I could. You’re married to your wife, correct?

A. Most people are.

Q. Obviously.

Barbara Prindle, RPR
Brunswick, Ga.

ON THE RECORD

Q. This Mr. Claus, do you have a good address for Mr. Claus?

COURT REPORTER: The North Pole.

MR. BERTINI: You just couldn’t resist, could you?

COURT REPORTER: Nope.

MR. BERTINI: I thought court reporters weren’t supposed to talk during a depo.

COURT REPORTER: They’re not.

Lorraine Brazil, RMR, CRR, CBC
Missouri City, Texas

STATISTICS AT WORK

Q. One patient starts off at 89 percent, right? The first day she has an 89 percent chance of disease-free survival?

A. All the patients have an 89 percent at the day of diagnosis.

Q. Understood, but each one has the same chance, correct?

A. Not really because some of them — the whole crowd has an 89 percent and what happens to them, all we can do is see what happens to the whole group of a hundred patients.

Q. And you don’t know who the fortunate 89 are?

A. I wouldn’t be here. I’d be polishing my Nobel Prize.

Diane Amoresano DiTizii, RMR, CRR
Montville, N.J.

STEP ONE

Q. If you would, look at page 45 of your report. Hold your finger there and then find page 14.

A. 45 and 14.

MR. SMITH: Are you trying to teach him origami?

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas

If you’d like to contribute, please send your funny transcript excerpts to NCRA Publications Manager Austin Yursik at ayursik@ncra.org.

The last page: All in a day’s work

WHY ME?

A 21-year-old deponent had this exchange. During her answer, she looked around the room at each of us. She said it as she ended up looking at me.

A. But there are different levels for each — Wayne State is really diverse. We have a lot of — no offense to nobody — but older people.

Q. Like how old is old?

MR. DOE: I’m glad she pointed at the court reporter and not me.

Elsa Jorgensen
Birmingham, Mich.

TMI

Q. Do you update your Facebook?

A. From time to time. I’m not consistent with it. I’m not one of the people who tells you I’m going to the bathroom every five minutes and everything.

MR. JONES: Thank God for that, sir.

MR. SMITH: I agree.

Therese Casterline, RMR, CRR
The Colony, Texas

WHEN YOU ASSUME …

Q. What other kind of surgeries?

A. I had a breast implant.

Q. Augmentation?

A. Augmentation.

Q. When was that?

A. That was seven years ago.

Q. Just one?

A. Both.

Q. That’s not what I meant, but —

A. Oh, just one time. Sorry.

Q. I assumed you got both. (Laughter).

Leo Mankiewicz, RMR, CRR
Phoenix, Ariz.

SILLY QUESTIONS

Q. Let me ask you a few things about your family life if I could. You’re married to your wife, correct?

A. Most people are.

Q. Obviously.

Barbara Prindle, RPR
Brunswick, Ga.

AGREED

Q. But you were married?

A. We were married

Q. Okay.

A. It’s a complicated thing.

Q. Yeah, it always is.

Yvonne Fenner, RPR
Sacramento, Calif.

MOBILE HOME MOVING

Q. And that would happen if somebody decided to pick up their home and go elsewhere?

A. And they can do that.

Q. That is within their rights.

A. Okay.

Q. They would have to be real strong, though, to pick it up and carry it, wouldn’t they?

A. Well, they would have to hire a contractor.  I mean, you’re talking physical? No, I never took it that way.

Q. I know that.

A. Okay. I’m sorry.

Q. I was just playing with you.

Renee L. Stacy, RPR, CRR
Salt Lake City, Utah

FIRST, TAKE ALL THE LAWYERS …

Q. Was it a lawyer or a person?

A. It was a person.

Susan L. Beard, RPR
Beaumont, Texas

VERIFY EVERYTHING

Q. You’re wearing a shirt with a logo on it, and that says, “SSYC Preschool.” What’s that?

A. It’s Second Street Youth Center. It’s a preschool, and it has an aftercare program.

Q. Where is Second Street located?

A. In Plainfield.

Q. Is it on Second Street?

A. Yes. South Second Street.

Denese Cortellino
North Arlington, N.J.

SPELLING BEE

Q. Did you attend college?

A. I went to The Salon Professional Academy for a short time and didn’t finish.

Q. The what professional academy?

A. The Salon Professional Academy.

Q. How do you spell that?

A. S-a-l-o-n, Professional, P-r-o-f-f-e-s-i-o-n-a- l-l-y, Academy, A-c-a-d-e-m-y.

Amy Doman, RPR, CRR
Carmel, Ind.

THAT’S THE TRUTH

Q. Did he tell you that he crosses — he tries to cross when there are no trains coming?

A. No, he didn’t mention that.

Q. It’s part of your job to follow up on statements, is it not?

A. Well, frankly, I would try to cross when there were no trains coming, too.

Q. Good idea.

THE COURT: The Court takes judicial notice of that.

Wendy Shultz
Minneapolis, Minn.

DOUBLE THE TROUBLE

Q. How old are your grandchildren?

A. Granddaughter, five. I have twin boys, two.

Q. Twin grandsons?

A. Yes.

Q. Age two?

A. Yes, both of them.

Michele L. Fontaine, RPR
Leicester, Mass.

LONG-WINDED

(After a three-page answer by a neuropsychologist):

Q: I’m sure there’s some periods in there. I’ll let the court reporter choose them.

Cassy Russell, RPR, CRR, CCP
Tulsa, Okla.

If you’d like to contribute, please send your funny transcript excerpts to NCRA Publications Manager Austin Yursik at ayursik@ncra.org.